What a perfect title for this article and the message that I am about to share with you. You are unlikely to hear about this anywhere else, unless you have a relative or friend that resides at Oak Cottage, a Memory Care Assisted Living Community here in Santa Barbara.
Back in March of 2020 when awareness of COVID-19 began to surface, I felt it was important to reach out to our colleagues in long term care settings, just to offer moral support and ask what major issues were emerging. As Community Engagement Manager for Hospice of Santa Barbara, that was a very natural extension of my work and I quickly found that administrators and staff were quite pleased with the outreach and relieved to discuss their concerns about what residents and families were experiencing.
Like all other care settings here and everywhere, residents at this Assisted Living Community were not permitted to have visitors for most of the past year, except for seeing loved ones via ‘window visits’ or Zoom or Facetime, followed later by “porch” visits. Imagine that your Mother or Brother or dear friend is in a care setting and you must be isolated from seeing them, to keep both of you safe and protected from the dread COVID-19.
Now take that a step further. These residents have memory loss and family worries magnified, causing one daughter to wonder, “Will Mom recognize me when I do get to visit her in person?” Or as other families have questioned, “will there be any signs of joy and happiness when we are able to reconnect?” Or as yet another daughter tearfully shared, “Will my Mom still be alive by the time the COVID-19 restrictions are lifted?”
These comments surfaced during the Family Dialogue Zoom meetings held monthly (starting June 2020) with Oak Cottage family members who gathered virtually to share their worries and feelings of isolation and sadness. As group facilitator, my role was to provide a safe environment for each person to tell their story and for me to listen and be supportive as they reached out for hope. Gratitude for the loving and expert care being given to their loved ones was mixed with sadness over not being able to touch or hug or just be present with their family member during this challenging time. It truly was a loss for all concerned.
Holiday time came and families continued their virtual visits and became creative in keeping memories alive. Taking or sending photographs or other memorabilia enhanced the feeling of “doing something meaningful that felt good and had meaning.”
Fast forward to March 2021 – a time for JOY had finally arrived. Oak Cottage residents had all been vaccinated and County-wide, COVID-19 numbers were on a dramatic decline. Hoorah! Family and friends who had also been vaccinated were now able to visit, wearing mask and social distancing upon entry to the building.
Now for the good news - visiting residents at Oak Cottage is now permitted without a mask, when in the apartment with their loved one. I remember being tearful when I read the following notice: “No age restrictions on visits. Hugging, holding hands is welcome (and encouraged).” Then I had to giggle when I read, “dogs are welcome, however they must be on a leash, vaccines need to be up-to-date, they need to be potty trained and please, no fleas.”
So now, we have spouses and adult children, grandchildren and dogs and a very happy staff thrilled to be watching their residents come to life in a new way. At the March 31, 2021 Family Dialogue Group Meeting, John said, “I took my wife out twice and it made me so happy. I had a feeling of being in love again.” His out of state daughter, Claudia stated, “it made me so happy to see my Mom with my Dad together and enjoying each other.”
The joyful comments continued! Kay told the group that she took her Mom out for lunch and she (Mom) “acted like it was a date.” At first anxious that her Mom’s physical status may have changed, KAY said, “her strength and mobility were really good and I can’t wait to take her out again.”
Ann and Beth, both in other states (isn’t Zoom wonderful?) said that her brother from San Diego comes up to Santa Barbara every weekend to visit their Mom. Brother Jim “took Mom up the street to McConnells’s for an ice cream and though Mom had been less verbal during window visits, she laughed with delight, chatted more and just seemed more like her old self and was so happy.”
Oak Cottage Resident, Rosemary on outing to McConnell’s with son Jim.
Barb took her husband on the back patio at Oak Cottage and appreciated just having a “normal visit” and enjoying the beautiful outdoors together. She described happiness as “being with my husband and sharing the happy outdoor occasion with him and our son.”
When asked how they would describe what Joy felt like, Ann said “I loved hearing my Mom’s laughter again – that has not changed.” Kay’s description of Joy was “it felt normal to take my Mom (who, by the way is 97 years old) out … we got my Mom and laughter back again.”
For Claudia, “my joy is relief knowing that we can see her again. Dad was so happy to be out with her, like normal times.” Beth’s description of joy, “it was like watching my Mom wake up.”
It was heartwarming to hear the stories and to witness the real JOY that these families were experiencing as they were able to see and personally experience togetherness with their loved ones. It was a reminder that we take so much for granted in life, until we no longer have it!
May you experience a feeling of JOY as you read this heartwarming story, as we are hopefully, getting closer the final phase of the COVID-19 journey. Smiles and laughter, missed for so long, will not ever be taken for granted again. Though speech may be limited, the smiles and the memories have been brought to life again.
From the ride along the beach, to the patio picnic or the wheelchair stroll up to McConnell’s on Mission, the laughter that followed and the smiles of contentment along the way, prove that these families have experienced Joy in a whole new way. They are quick to talk about these recent experiences with great ease and happiness.
This article, written at their urging, is dedicated to all the families at Oak Cottage and all other senior care communities in Santa Barbara and everywhere. Where there is life, there is still laughter and a whole lot of love.
“Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile.” W.T. Grenfell
Thanks, Praise and Joy goes out to all caregivers throughout our community! Their role was not only that of being a personal assistant and tending to health and daily needs of their residents, but to also, in many ways, serve as surrogate family members to each person under their care.
Jeanne M. West
Community Engagement Manager
Hospice of Santa Barbara